


Crack On The Rooftop

by GoofyGoldenGirl



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Thor (Comics)
Genre: Advice, Crack, Fights, Gen, Humor, Jane Foster is Thor, Mild Language, Moral Ambiguity, Reality Bending, Spoilers, bacon cheeseburgers, chaotic loki, loki is a little shit, minor malekith x dario, rooftop, the mighty thor (2016)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 20:52:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5263172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoofyGoldenGirl/pseuds/GoofyGoldenGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>It's Loki vs Jane! The fight of fights is here! But what's this? Crack? Contains spoilers for The Mighty Thor #1. None for #2 unless Jason Aaron has somehow read this fanfic. </em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crack On The Rooftop

Hammer clashed against scepter. Thor lunged forward as Loki ducked her next strike. She held her ground, determined not to fall off the roof. 

"Ha! Ha!" He exclaimed gleefully. "You can't defeat me new Thor, who is not Thor, yet is still Thor!"

"You shall pay for your evil deeds Loki!" She shouted back. Her next hit knocked the scepter out of his hands. It went flying into the street below. He glanced down, surprised but quickly faced her.

"Well dearest Jane I am unstoppable! I possess a weapon mere mortals cannot imagine!" He swerved and took several steps back. 

"Then I-- did you just call me Jane?" Thor tried hard to keep her tone even, but faltered. 

"I know everything Jane. I can read minds! Just kidding, I found out from my brother. But here's the thing. You know where I said I'd kill you. I like can't kill you. I don't kill sick people man. That's like not cool even on my standards. I could however get rid of your cancer and _then_ kill you, but I'm totally set on going against the dark council so that's a no go."

"What game is this trickster?" Thor accused him. 

"Jane I ain't playing no games," Loki put up his hands. "Don't trust me, but trust me on this. I don't like Asgard. And I don't participate in evil wankfests, they're like so overrated. And like if I did do an evil wankfest,I'd start one. I'm not gonna follow some David Bowie wannabe ya know? So you know what I do? I con them both. That's how I roll dwag. Do people even say dwag anymore?" He mused. "So…believe me?"

"No," she snarled.

"Look into my eyes Jane," Loki put on his best smoldering gaze. "Do these look like the eyes of a murderer?"

A fist to the cheek was his answer. 

"Ow! You hit me really hard!" He yelped. "Ow!"

Thor tripped him and he fell to his knees. She pointed Mjolnir at him.

"Talk," she cooly said.

"So Jane. I pose this to you. What are we?"

"Get to the point and no rhetorical questions," she answered as she lowered her hammer closer to his face.

"We're gods aren't we? And guess what I can do?"

Cold metal touched the tip of his nose. Loki flinched back.

"I am the god of stories. And I can make anything canon." 

"Canon?" Thor was confused.

Loki pulled out a small green leather bound notebook from his coat pocket.

"With one stroke of my pen, _anything_ can happen," he started to explain. "I could make eternal world peace a reality. Cure breast cancer. End starvation forever. But since you're a skeptical one, I'll start simple."

He opened to a fresh page and began to write:

"At this moment, Jane Foster gets a bacon cheeseburger and Dario Agger confesses his undying infatuation for Malekith The Accursed," Loki said. 

_Meanwhile in The Void a distressed Dario Agger ran up to Malekith._

_"Listen here you piece of elf shit," he started. "You've ruined **everything**_

_"Oh stop being so **testy** will you, you thick bull!" Malekith responded. "I take pride in ruining everything."_

_"Well you've also ruined **me** You think you're so freaking special with your luscious hair, and your stupidly adorable face, and your manic laugh. Goddammit I want to ruin me. I want you to ruin me so **bad.** "_

_"Oh I'll ruin you Bull Boy," Malekith hungrily smacked his lips. "And when I'm done with you, you'll only be able to crawl for a week."_

_Dario pulled Malekith in and they began to passionately kiss._

Thor looked down to see a bacon cheeseburger in her hand. 

"What the Hel!" Thor dropped it. She jumped back, frightened. 

"That's a good waste of food," Loki knelt down and picked it up. He got to his feet and started to eat it. 

"Oh god I love bacon," He said in-between bites. "You sure you don't want some? You need food to keep you strong." 

"How could you Loki! Even if it's Malekith and Dario they're _real life people_!" Thor exclaimed. 

"Oh? So when everyone does it it's _hot_ and super _hip._ But when _I_ do it's _gross_ and a _disgrace_ to the entire ten plus realms. Anyways, wanna see me get revenge on my real dad?" Loki picked up his pen again. 

"No! How in the nine realms could you possibly think that this is _ok?_ You're--" 

"A psychopath? Monster? Completely cuckoo?The lovechild of various Midgardian dictators? I've heard just about everything. It doesn't faze me anymore," he said. 

"I can't believe you," she said. 

"I can't believe myself either if it makes you feel better. So what's your plan?" He finished his burger. 

"Plan?" Thor asked. 

"Oh you know. How you're gonna stop the dark council and your cancer. You know. I could give you tips," Loki said. 

"I don't trust you," she snapped back. 

"But I already proved to you, that you can," he held up the book again. "Just a few words and your wishes are real. I don't need payment. Except in bacon. Bacon is magic." 

"I don't resort to cheap tricks for a miracle," Thor retorted. 

Loki's expression changed. Anger and frustration bubbled in his throat as he began to speak. 

"You're just like _him._ You don't _get_ it do you? There are so many people who would literally _kill_ for this type of cure but you are both so _stubborn!_ And so high and mighty that you don't understand that you need help! Wanna know why he lost Mew-Mew? I don't care what Mr. Eyepatch said, it's his _pride_ that's his downfall. Well I have a problem with that too, but at least for me, there are a million ways out. I take what I can get. Him? You? You would literally _rot_ to death than go against your code! It's--it's **sickening!"**

He turned away, but just for a second. He blinked and faced Thor again. 

"Jane. I'm gonna get serious. Let me tell you about the meaning of life. Hush," He placed a finger to her lips before she could say a word. 

"Once upon a time not too long ago, I was just a lad. And everything was shit. I'm not talking about teenage angst, but rather things that would make most Midgardian mind doctors need other Midgardian mind doctors if I were to talk about it. I literally walked on the line between wanting to live and wanting to die to atone myself for what I had done. And then at the bottom of rock bottom, this bondage bazooka grandpa breaks into my apartment and ties me up, and has a figurative flame gun to my head. And I had an epiphany that day. You know what I learned?" 

Loki ran to the street side, raised his arms, and shouted at the top of his lungs: 

"Everything is shit! Everything will continue to be shit! But _you_ are the only one who can control that shit!" 

He ran back and placed his arm around her. 

"Yes Jane, yes! _You_ decide your life!" He waved his hand as they looked out at the busy street below. " _You_ decide how you live and die! And _no_ one else can! You are your own _destiny._ And you know what I did Jane? I exploded. Literally. With joy." 

He turned again and cupped her face. 

"If the Protect Jane club existed I'd be all for it, but for now we're just gonna keep on being fighting buddies ok?" He told her. "Gotta keep appearances up ya know. Can't give myself away just yet. I'm just laying low. Causing chaos, leaking info about the dark council and Asgard on the internet, listening to Hale-sey, Hall-sey, Hayley, whatever her name is. She's great you know, she like changed my life. It'll be our secret. Pinky promise?" He held his pinky up. 

Thor only glared at him. 

"Follow my twitter account I have five million followers!" Loki handed her a card. "And if you're at a last resort and need some heavy duty backup. Call me! Just not on Tuesdays 'cause I have taco nights with Deadpool. Well see ya later!I got an invite to a coke party by this girl named Luci and there's no way in Hel I'm turning that down. And then I might get summoned for some seance by some goth uni kids and I might proposition them for a threesome. Turn down for what!" 

His scepter materialized in his hand again. He pointed it midair to form a green portal. 

"Loki you're a pain in the rear!" Thor yelled after him. 

Loki looked back at her and grinned. 

"That's my secret Jane. I am always an _asshole._ " 

And with that he disappeared. 


End file.
